10:13:00 AM
1) Drama – creating it
2) Obsessing
3) Manipulating
4) Avoiding
The best way: DOMA
(Yes, it sounds like a cliche name for a coffee shop somewhere in Seattle, but at least you’ll remember it easily)
Drama – Just the word itself reeks of drama and yet we’ve all probably indulged in it more than we would like to admit (yes – I surrender). However, it doesn’t belong in an adult relationship. Drama is more appropriate for the 3 year old who is having a tantrum on the kitchen floor with snot running down his or her nose. So if you furiously hang up the phone on your husband because he nervously laughed at you whining to him (note: whining, not talking) about why you feel he doesn’t care about you isn’t exactly the way to jump start an adult conversation. So like the runny nose 3 year old throwing their toys all over the floor, you too are creating mess when you invite the drama.
Obsessing – Talk about a cost effective way to numb out and escape! However, it will cost you your own ability to take care of yourself and those around you. When you obsess, you disconnect and when you are disconnected from yourself, you’re in major trouble. Here’s a visual for you: Think of a computer cord being pulled out of the wall. Well, that’s basically you when you disconnect from yourself and the world around you. Obsessing is like a drug – it’s a quick fix way to avoid what ever is intolerable for you in the moment. So here’s a tip: When you notice yourself obsessing, think about that unplugged computer that simply can not work.
Manipulation – Oh come on, we’re women – we created the word. However, that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. Certain kinds of “manipulation” are healthy such as a chess game or even trying to coax your Velcro child from letting go of your leg while trying to leave their classroom. Yet, trying to convince your husband that your sex life with him will improve if he agrees to hire a live in masseuse, is just not the way to be straight up about your most desired splurge.
Avoiding – Last I heard, walking through life with a blindfold on didn’t exactly end happily ever Disney after. So whether it be a blown out argument with your husband, a rupture with a friend, fear about your future, denial about your addiction, etc., avoiding will only cause you and your relationship a big, smelly, messy, pile of drama.
So there you have it: 4 very very common relationship pitfalls to watch out for and if there is a memory lapse at all, remember my tragically cliche sounding coffee shop, DOMA.
Wishing you all a peaceful, healthy and non-perfect accepting new year.
Last night you fell asleep into a peaceful slumber dreaming that all of your holiday shopping was done, until…Suddenly you have visions of the mailman, the gardener, your 3rd grader’s Teacher’s Assistant and the school janitor all pelting you with rocks because you forgot to add them to your gift list!
Your eyes pop open and out of your mouth comes a crying low moan as you realize that your holiday shopping list has tragically come back from the dead.
Yes soldier…you are officially back in the trenches, so let’s look at 4 ways you can keep the never ending holiday shopping saga to a simple science:
1) Make a list and stick to it!
When shopping for gifts, buy only what is on your list. I don’t know about you, but stores such as Target and Bed Bath and Beyond have a way of seducing me to throw into my cart extra non-gift items which I didn’t even know existed until I entered the evil mega store. Cut to the next day where I am standing behind 20 people in the return line and quietly moaning because what I really need to be doing is wrapping the initial gifts I bought!
2) Take advantage of smaller on-line stores
Sites such as Fab.com (my favorite thus far) which offer free shipping, free returns and fantastic holiday discounts, offer fun gift ideas which you hadn’t thought about otherwise. Plus, the site has a less overwhelming volume of merchandise compared to daunting sites such as amazon. Hence, the on-line shopping experience can become fun rather than overstimulating.
3) The non-gift “gift”
For some people the pressure to buy the most perfect gift for your spouse can feel stressful and forced. Imagine the deflated moment for both you and your husband as you watch him open the gift and with the most unenthusiastic tone he looks at you and says, “Thanks for another shirt.” So instead of an empty gift exchange, perhaps start a tradition where instead of gifts you create an annual holiday ritual together. The ideas can be endless. For example: a day of wine tasting, a childless day at Disneyland (where you two get to be the kids), a back to back to back movie marathon morning (either at the theater or on Netflix at home), a hike up your favorite hiking trail, etc. Furthermore, you can be as budget conscious as you want!
4) Simplicity at its best
When in doubt….simply give a gift card. It’s fast, it’s easy and despite my historical Target dramas, I admit that I myself would never say no to a gift card from the evil mega store.
Good luck with the rest of your shopping adventures and may the force be with you.
Yes, I am officially back from summer!
Okay…I know it’s October, but “transition” is my Achilles heal, hence my delay in connecting back to you.
That aside, know that my summer hiatus wasn’t to hide from you. In fact it was quite the opposite. I kept you in my mind as I realized that in order to continue sharing marriage lessons, etc. that once again I needed to stop and evaluate my current part in my marriage. I thought: If I could tolerate letting go of my to-do list and instead look even closer at myself then that might offer you marriage lessons that are refreshing and honest rather than old and recycled.
So without further adieu, here are 5 (of the many) marriage lessons I learned this summer:
1. Feelings can be over rated – I am in no way saying that feelings aren’t important. What I am saying is if you live 70 % in your feelings and 30% in your thinking then you might as well be hanging out with my 4 year old because that’s basically the developmental level you’re operating in. If you’re interested in a healthy adult relationship, then 30% feeling/70% thinking is a much better compass to follow.
2. Less is more – I don’t know about you, but when I’m trying to settle a conflict with my husband, I like to talk…and most of the time too much. I can get so lost in the flood of feelings and thoughts that I don’t even realize when I have (metaphorically speaking) drowned my husband in my own flood. I now remind myself to K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid).
3. There’s a lid for every pot – When ever I think that my husband is acting like a petulant a**hole, then that’s my cue that I may be acting (or at least thinking) like an a**hole as well and it’s probably time for me to check it.
4. I still slip into the sandbox — There are still times that I still slip into that “child place” and wahh wahh waaaaaahhh! until I see that I’ve completely shot myself in the foot. (Sigh) What can I say? I too am always a work in progress…
5. Sometimes…he is actually right – It’s true…and whenever that happens I just try my best to surrender and breath through the pain.
Today’s post is dedicated to those of you who are a current bride-to-be:
Firs off…congratulations on your engagement! You are about to embark on one of the most exciting and enriching chapters of your life.
Now here’s the part that might freak you out, but try not to because what I’m about to tell you is completely normal:
Marriage is hard. Very hard. That is, if you’re interested in a connective, vital, satisfying (note: not perfect) marriage. As special as a marriage can feel, it can also feel exhausting, frustrating and challenging on so many different levels. Marriage is work and it takes two individuals who are willing and able to look at the unfinished business and unrealistic expectations that each bring into the union. Obviously the more self aware each person is about their needs and expectations (realistic and unrealistic) going into the marriage, the stronger jump start it has.
That all said, here is the super smart tip I have for you before the wedding:
Invest in some pre-marital counseling…even if it’s 2 or 3 sessions.
Why? Well think of it this way: If you and your future husband build a house together without discussing the what, when and why of how you want the house to look, feel, and be, then don’t you think the chances of the house ending up like a complete disaster are pretty damn high??
In my opinion: YES.
So if you want your pending nuptials to have the most optimistic forecast possible then a few “Let’s try to understand each other even better!” sessions with a therapist or counselor will be super smart and more (and it won’t hurt you either).
I cannot begin to tell you how may times I have a wife and/or a husband in my office looking confused and lost as to how to fix a fight that just blew up between them. Now is it true that angry words can be damaging? Absolutely. However, it doesn’t mean that the damage is “done” and that there is no turning back. As I’ve written before, nothing in life is black and white – especially in your marriage.
That said, the answer to how to fix a fight is one simple word:
Repair.
What so many, many couples don’t realize is that there is always room to repair even after angry words have been thrown at each other. So here is what the repair might look like:
Let’s say you said something to your husband which was critical, attacking and dare I say cruel. At this point your husband is probably feeling furious to the point where for the next 2 days he acts as if you don’t even exist. Unfortunately this where most couples sadly and unknowingly dig their relationship into a deeper, darker hole as both members of the couple pretend that the verbal smack down never happened. This is what is called a toxic rupture. Yes…those two words that are like poison for your marriage.
If your marriage or relationship has ongoing ruptures, followed by avoidance of discussing what just happened between you two, then those ruptures will forever chip away at the foundation of the relationship.
So now let’s go back to how you spoke to your partner…
Did you regress into your own childlike emotional state when you yelled at him: You’re useless! What did I even marry you?!
Yes. In fact, you regressed with flying colors, but look — you’re human and we all make mistakes. So rather than beat yourself up, look at why you said what you said: What were the feelings underneath it all? Were you feeling angry? Sad? Scared? Alone? You need to find out what was really going on inside of you and hightail it back to your partner and say:
“Hey – It wasn’t okay for me to completely chew you out about the kids’ mess I came home to. It was my own frustration of feeling the weight of the household responsibilities these days and next time I’ll ask for help rather than flipping out on you the way I did…I’m really sorry.”
Ta-daaa…
You have now made a repair — it’s simple, necessary, and undoubtedly smart.
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