Thursday, November 26, 2015

Ned’s Women: A Fractured Love Story

Ned Kelly is like Uluru. You can’t get past him. He stands in our national dreaming in gloriously inviolate isolation. The closer you get to him, the harder it is to separate myth from reality. Ned is an iconic landmark on our national roadmap; dead centre in our historical consciousness, reckoning left from right and high from low.
Controversy still rages as to whether he was a hero or a villain, a principled victim of oppression or a paranoid rebel with a criminal cause. Some have nailed their colours to the mast in spectacular fashion. Ben Cousins, ‘Such Is Life’ tattoo emblazoned across his taut abdomen, makes no bones that he is a wild boy with wicked ways and a healthy persecution complex. As the Iron Outlaw website (which gets 8.5 million hits a year and has pages such as NedTube, Ned in the News and Ned on Wheels) appraises the situation, ‘it’s doubtful whether the debate will ever end. Such is the emotional impact of the Kelly story.’ If Ned had not existed no-one would have dared to invent him.
No nation’s history can survive without myths. In his classic work The Golden Bough, Scottish anthropologist James Frazer wrote that ‘imagination acts upon man as really as gravitation’. But sometimes the pull of a familiar narrative can obscure facts that are, in their own right, more weird and wonderful than any make-believe.
So how do you take a detour past the myths? Defy the magnetism of a sacred story of Australian manhood and anti-authoritarian rebellion? What made Ned Kelly the man he really was before we converted him into a tourist attraction? We can start by enlarging the cast of characters usually allowed to take part in the passion-play. Let’s sneak some of Ned’s women into the frame.
*
Just as Hollywood has given us a Ned who looks awfully like Heath Ledger with mutton chops, so the dream factory has also taken care of his love life. Enter Naomi Watts: a golden-haired girl with nice dresses and an upturned button nose, daughter of a rich, much hated squatter. Thanks to the classic costume drama money shot, we have Ned and his fictitious lady lover in a passionate embrace, set against the backdrop of rugged bush terrain and a perpetually setting sun. Heath needs Naomi to sustain the prevalent fable of Australian eroticism: the refined, stuffy young aristocrat has her narrow existence, lonely heart and bridled libido liberated by the rough bushman nomad drover Irish-Aussie fair-dinkum hero type. Lady Chatterley’s lover transplanted to the Antipodes. History porn.
But how’s this for a dramatic set up? We’re inside the Glenrowan Inn, scene of the Kelly Gang’s ‘last stand’, with 25-year old Ned about to climb into his armour, having a dance and a cuddle with a woman old enough to be his mother. The woman Ned’s got in his arms has stopped the prisoners from escaping. ‘You can’t leave yet,’ she tells them at the door. ‘Ned’s going to give his lecture.’ Who’s running the hold-up here? The widow’s son outlawed or the tough old bird handing out the brandy and gin?
You might not get it past a Hollywood executive, but the truth of the matter is that no apocryphal squatter’s daughter is ever going to get near the surprising, sordid and subversive truth of what happened in the Glenrowan Inn on the night of 28 June 1880, of what made Ned Kelly and his world tick.
The significant women in this story were not refined, but rough. Not young, but old enough to bear the scars of thorny experience. Not lonely but swathed in community and kin (at times to their advantage, at other times to their great detriment). Not sexually repressed but sexually active, expressive and even aggressive.
Any truly gutsy Kelly story is going to want to do something pretty wild with Ann Jones, the pragmatic proprietress of the Glenrowan Inn, and Ellen Kelly, Ned’s beloved mother. Their origins may have been practically identical—illiterate, poor Irish Catholic girls—but their paths diverged radically. Their differing yet intersecting lives illustrate the extraordinary richness of colonial experience, where people might encounter crushing poverty or blinding opportunity, and commonly a violent amalgam of both.
*
Ellen Kelly was born a Quinn in 1832, in County Antrim, Ireland, and migrated to Australia with her parents and ten brothers and sisters in 1841. The Quinns would have considered it a lucky twist of fate—getting away from Ireland just five years before the potato blight hit. Ellen grew tall (5 feet 5 inches) and slender. With her black hair, grey eyes, rebellious spirit and remarkable horsemanship, she soon attracted the attention of John ‘Red’ Kelly, an ex-lag from Van Diemen’s Land. Ellen’s father, James, disapproved of the strapping Tipperary boy. She ignored him, got pregnant to Red and eloped. The couple were married in 1850. Over the next fourteen years, Ellen bore eight children to Red, the first dying in infancy.
Ann Jones was born Ann Kennedy in Tipperary in 1833. She spent her adolescence surviving the potato famine and then, like so many Irish girls of her generation, made the long journey to gold-rush Victoria on her own. She later claimed that she arrived in Melbourne in June 1854 aboard the Queen of the South, the same ship that delivered Sir Charles Hotham to his doomed governorship of Victoria, but given her talents for reinvention and attention-seeking, this means little. (She is not listed on the passenger log.) Ann married within months of her arrival, again mirroring the experience of many immigrant lasses fresh off the boat. In September 1854 she wed Owen Jones, a Welsh labourer, with Roman Catholic rites.
The newly married couple were in Victoria at the time of the Eureka Stockade in December 1854, as were Red and Ellen, who gave birth to Ned Kelly in the months after that watershed event. Ned was born in Beveridge where Red had settled after striking it lucky on the goldfields. Some historians suggest he moved his young family there because he feared the way the Quinns’ lives were going. An examination of the police files shows that James Quinn would have been better off worrying about his own brood than about Red Kelly. Ellen’s brothers, cousins and in-laws weren’t good company if you wanted to stay out of jail. James did his best to make a go of it in the colony and was never in trouble with the police, but Jim junior soon found himself mixed up with cattle- and horse-stealing, vicious assault and highway robbery.
The Jones family, meanwhile, had moved around the Victorian gold region—Forest Creek, Eaglehawk, Bendigo—until they settled in Wangaratta and set up a roadside tea room (a quaint euphemism—most goldfields refreshment rooms sold sly-grog as a matter of course). By 1875, despite Owen’s frequent absences and an itinerant lifestyle, Ann had borne him eleven children. Like Ellen, Ann’s first baby died in infancy. Another two children died before their second birthdays. When their hospitality business went broke, Owen got work on the railways down in Gippsland. Paul Kelly could sing it: They got married early / never had much money / then when he got laid off / it really hit the skids. Ann decided to go it alone in a new venture.
The colony was then in the middle of a long-boom that had begun with the great gold strikes of the 1850s. The sudden explosion in population had required massive new infrastructure—towns, railways, houses, warehouses, factories, telegraph lines, roads—which meant plenty of work if you followed the growth areas. Australia wasn’t attracting the moniker ‘the working man’s paradise’ for nothing.
Ann Jones decided to set up a hotel in nearby Glenrowan, where the north-east railway had recently gone through. She borrowed money from two local businessmen and relied on financial assistance from her eldest son and daughter. By choosing Glenrowan as the site of her enterprise, Ann rightly considered that this was where the smart money should be spent. The township had recently been shifted to bring it closer to the new railway line, and Ann paid £6 for the land that was right next to the new station’s platform. There was only one other pub in town, run by Mr and Mrs McDonnell—ordinary gold diggers who’d struck it rich. The grog market was wide open.
Ann set herself up as the more genteel of the hospitality options, attracting (ideally) a refined, reputable crowd, and getting (more realistically) anyone willing to pay, and everyone getting off the train. She fitted out the hotel with the finest of furnishings. Before long she was turning a profit of £30 a month. In the nineteenth century, to be a licensed female publican was to be a woman of substance. Hotels were the hub of the community, and their proprietors could attain a superior status unrivalled by any other female occupation. Hotel keeping was a tried and true route to social mobility, and Ann Jones was doing what she could to be on the fast track to success.
Meanwhile, a few miles away from the same railway line, things weren’t going so well for the Kelly clan. Red had died an alcoholic in 1866. He left Ellen a 34-year-old widow with seven children—Ned, her eldest son, was eleven. Although Victoria was enjoying a period of unparalleled growth, life was still perilous for a mother abandoned by a feckless husband or abruptly widowed. State welfare was non-existent. If you couldn’t rely on yourself and your neighbours for support then the next step, if available, was the wider kinship network. Unlike Ann, Ellen Kelly had that and used it. She moved further north-east and into the dangerous Quinn orbit.
In Greta, on a bald patch of dirt not big enough or fertile enough to sustain a livelihood, Ellen’s homestead soon became the local HQ of the cattle-stealing and sly-grogging types, plenty of whom were family. Ned grew up in a criminal subculture of defiant, ‘flash’ larrikins leading a shanty lifestyle of fast horses, free-flowing grog, kissing cousins, extramarital sex and poor women who were reliant on unreliable men for their security. Ellen’s eldest daughter, Annie, married at the age of sixteen. When the new husband was imprisoned for cattle-stealing soon after, Annie shacked up with the local constable. She died in childbirth with his daughter, Ellen’s first grandchild.
After Red died, Ellen became pregnant to a fly-by-night, who promised marriage but promptly abandoned her on learning of his impending offspring. Ellen sued the man for maintenance, utilising her canny familiarity with the court system. (She also brought charges against her sister-in-law for using insulting language—a common tactic of one-upmanship among the squabbling women of her ilk). But that daughter too died in infancy. In one of those local quirks of circumstance it was Ann Jones’ husband, Owen, who helped bury the infant.
Soon after, Ellen became pregnant to and subsequently married George King, a young Californian horse-thief who was no more than six years Ned’s senior. What did Ned think? Did he see George as an Oedipal rival for his mother’s loyalty and affection? Or was he happy to have a mate, a pseudo-elder brother? Ellen had three children by George. Incredibly, the last, Alice, was born when Ellen was forty-six years old. King bolted. He was never seen again.
By 1878 Ellen had lost three children and witnessed her second son, fourteen-year-old Jim, imprisoned for five years for cattle-stealing. Having borne twelve children in twenty-eight years, she was once again going it alone. Her daughter Maggie had married William Skillion as a sixteen year-old, and now had two babies. She would later marry her cousin Tom Lloyd and have eleven more children.
By the end of that fateful year, Ellen and William Skillion were in prison for the attempted murder of the drunken, perjuring Constable Fitzpatrick, three policemen lay dead at Stringybark Creek and Ned and Dan had become bona fide bank-robbing refugee outlaws. Ann Jones had established a thriving business at the Glenrowan Inn, but her sixteen-year-old daughter Ann was killed by a tree that she and younger sister Jane were felling. Eighteen months later, both women would lose sons in the deadly inferno of the Glenrowan siege.
*
Ned Kelly loudly and repeatedly blamed the police for his mother’s incarceration. ‘Fitzpatrick was the cause of all this,’ he protested to every captive audience he came across. There was a driving need, almost a desperation, in Kelly’s efforts to have this message heard. After he held up a pastoral station near Euroa, hostages later complained that Kelly had kept them up all night, raving about Fitzpatrick’s guilt and his mother’s innocence. But even Ned must have had moments of inner disquiet. His mother and infant sister were in jail because a policeman had come to their home to arrest Ned and brother Dan for horse-stealing. Some moral calculus was inevitable: Mum’s in jail because they came looking for me. For a boy who’d been the man about the house, the failure to protect his mother from harm was crushing.
Early the following year we get another indication of just how central and symbolic Ellen had become to Kelly’s private war with the authorities. In the NSW Riverina town of Jerilderie, Kelly and his gang held up the police, the bank, the pub and everyone passing through. As an outlaw it would remain his greatest triumph. While there he attempted to publish his self-justificatory manifesto, known to posterity as the Jerilderie Letter. Ned’s rage at the treatment of his sisters and mother feature prominently. Most revealing is the rhetorical twist at the very end of the lengthy epistle. Ned lets fly a series of bloodcurdling and visceral threats towards his detractors. Those who side with the police will be hunted down, killed and denied Christian burial. They will be staked on an ant-bed, their fat removed and rendered pure. The last line reads: ‘I do not wish to give the order full force without giving timely warning, but I am a widow’s son outlawed and my orders must be obeyed.’ No greater justification can be claimed. It’s all about Mother.
*
Nobody would have been more surprised than Ann Jones when Ned Kelly knocked on her door one cold winter night a year later. There was no elaborate hold-up plan in place for Glenrowan. He had come to tear up the railway tracks and derail a carriage full of coppers on their way to investigate the murder of Aaron Sherritt by the Kelly Gang. But damaging the tracks took far longer than Ned had expected, and in the meantime hostages had to be taken. Ned dragged more than sixty people into the Glenrowan Inn. She may have been hauled out of bed in the small freezing hours of Sunday night, but Ann had her wits about her. Eyes peeled for the next shrewd move to be made in response to the mercurial cards being dealt out by life, Ann quickly determined to come up trumps. Having the illustrious Kelly Gang and their prisoners back to her hotel for breakfast, she reckoned, would give her establishment the kind of glamour that could keep people talking for weeks, months if not years. Yes, that’s right, the outlaws themselves! Here at this very bar! Any savvy business mind would have been calculating the self-promotional possibilities.
Exactly what was going on in Ned’s mind when he decided to head back to Mother Jones’ Inn is of course a moot point. Doubtless he was cold and hungry. Doubtless all these hostages he’d been gathering in the last five hours were now a severe problem. Things were going awry—and the train still hadn’t come. Now it’s dawn. A man’s got to eat. And if he could steal some feminine comforts too, so much the better.
Better to embroil the Jones woman in the ambush than his friend McDonnell. All the more so considering that she was known to take full advantage of the influx of policemen in the vicinity during the Kelly Outbreak, giving them board and lodging. The local gossip had her down as a police spy. Then there was the fact that just a few years earlier she’d taken his mother, Ellen, a fellow grog-seller, an unlawful competitor, to court over the outstanding debt of a paltry £2. And now his mother was in jail with a babe at her breast and Ann Jones was here with this classy set-up and raking it in. Yes, why not go back to the Jones Inn, and take all the damn hostages there too. This would teach her. Is it possible to receive succour from the Mother while punishing her for her transgressions? You betcha.
Another intriguing issue arising from that raucous night is the behaviour of Ann Jones herself. Had she cowered or demurred, perhaps, her feminine vulnerability may have been pitied. But she didn’t faint; she flattered. She worked the room. Witnesses later claimed Ann and Ned danced quadrilles with Jane and Dan. Jane also sat with Steve Hart’s head in her lap, stroking his sweated brow. Jane was ‘making very free with them’, reported one hostage. Kisses were supplied along with the gin. Forty-seven-year-old Ann was seen ‘standing against a fence’ with Ned; Joe Byrne tugged playfully at her hair. The armed siege had become ‘a house of sport’, with Ann merrily presiding over the festivities.
Within a blood-soaked few hours, however, young John Jones would be fatally shot by police, daughter Jane injured by a flying bullet and Ann’s hotel burnt to the ground in front of a crowd of hundreds. Standing by were Kate Kelly and Maggie Skillion, who watched one brother’s charred remains dragged from the smouldering hotel, and another forever captured.
Ellen Kelly had lost two sons to violent deaths, but she was a convicted felon herself and hadn’t the moral authority to add public indignation to private grief. But Ann had also lost a son, and by 1882 would lose Jane to tuberculosis, an ailment Ann attributed to the siege. The Glenrowan Inn was completely destroyed when the police torched it, leaving Ann and her five children homeless. Ann felt she had every reason to be angry at the injustice done to her, and was determined to hold the authorities to account. Year upon year, Ann wrote letters so full of self-righteous outrage they could have been taken straight from the Jerilderie template.
*
There were further blows to endure. At 5.15 p.m. on 11 November 1880, the day of Ned Kelly’s execution, a warrant was issued for the arrest of Ann Jones. The charge: receiving, harbouring and maintaining outlaws. Ann was imprisoned in Beechworth to await trial. Both Ann and Ellen were now behind bars.
The ambiguity surrounding Ned and Ann’s relationship became a focal point of the trial, held in May 1881. A briefing note outlined Ann’s transgressions: ‘lends her daughter’, ‘endearments towards Ned, towards Byrne’, ‘in and out with the Kellys’, ‘locks the door’, ‘bit of a boss’. Yet the crown prosecutor argued that Ann had not ‘acted from motives of romance, sympathy or love for Kelly or his companions’. Rather, she’d committed an illegal act ‘for the sake of gain’. Ann Jones was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Hated by the selector sympathisers for being cosy with the police and pursued by the police for being an avaricious slut. No-one, it seems, entertained the idea that Ann was making the best of a bad lot, inspired by gun-wielding desperadoes to protect her children and her property through any available means.
The timing of Ann’s arrest would almost certainly have been strategically chosen by the government to distract the angry people of the north-east from Ned’s hanging. She was a classic patsy. Ann had also become a thorn in the side of the government, what with all the letter-writing. But Ann refused to be victimised. She was acquitted by jury at the trial, and promptly continued her campaign for justice. She wanted financial restitution for the destruction of the hotel, and compensation for the deaths of her children, whose lost labour amounted to a business deficit in addition to an emotional bereavement. Ann maintained that almost any one of the hostages could have taken the Kelly Gang at any time had they been so inclined, yet she was the only one to be prosecuted. The outlaws would have been caught, she argued, ‘if there was men as honest to the police as I was … this will show you what a cowardly affair the Glenrowan was’. Ann directed her point straight at the heart of the sexual politics of her era: ‘If my cowardly countrymen had the same pluck as me they would have been captured without any trouble.’
Ann was eventually awarded £265, barely enough to pay her legal expenses and debts on the hotel. She had sought £5000. She was never again issued a publican’s licence despite repeated applications. Her husband Owen died in 1890. Six of her children were dead before the age of eighteen. Ellen had seven children predecease her, but she had her honour and dignity defended by ‘a widow’s son outlawed’. On her release from prison in February 1881, Ellen returned to Greta and became a peace-making influence over the still volatile social and political landscape of north-east Victoria. She lived until 1923, long enough to sit in a motor car and watch her descendants prosper as respectable burghers. She was ninety-one. Ann died in 1910 at the age of seventy-seven. She has been all but written out of the history books.
*
Ned Kelly’s rapid ascension from hunted criminal to heroic archetype in the space of 100 years illustrates a turnaround in our historical sensibility. At the time of his outlawry and capture he was seen by the vast majority as a bush thug and career crim, albeit one gifted with real charisma and a powerful way with words. (As Germaine Greer once observed, Ned was the kind of bloke, with the kind of mates, who could really put the frisson into the Saturday night country hall dance.) Now, bolstered by the animal magnetism—and deep pathos—of the Heath Ledger legacy, we are more likely to think of Ned as a social bandit than a cold-blooded killer.
But what of Ned’s women? Is it possible that a revolution of equal magnitude could occur in our perception of the women whose lives were touched by Ned, and who so clearly touched him? Can we see them not as saintly maternal stereotype (Ellen) or conniving mole/moll (Ann) but as flesh-and-blood women leading bitterly hard lives on their own terms, caught in—but also shaping and sustaining—a complex web of social relations?
So in our money shot, which of course the Hollywood executives are stampeding to option, we have Ned and Ann Jones dancing a dangerous two-step of sin and deliverance. Naomi has been banished to the cutting-room floor of spurious history, and instead we have, say, Kerry Armstrong as Ann, looking haunted, desperate, powerful and every bit of her ravaged forty-seven years. The myth of Australian womanhood is no longer a tale of submission but of survival.

Importance of Parents Involvement in Child’s Education



Parent's involvement in their child's education is definitely important. It creates a big difference in their child's performance and academic evaluation. Parents are known to be the role models for kids. Kids also look up to them  as guardian and an important advisor. Parents can help their children to deal with lots of issues with constant guidance and support.  If a parent successfully allots a specified time everyday to his child's studies, the child will be better for it. 


Education is not just academic performance but also other areas which include overall development of the child, extracurricular activity, sports, physical education and mental education. 

Below are the reasons some parents don’t get involved in their children’s education…
- Busy schedule

- Lack of interest

- Illiteracy

How these affect the child


Parent's attitude and ideas about education influences a child's mind. If parents show lack of interest in education, then the child too may get less interested in education. If parents complain about the present education system in front of their children, the children too will complain and show less interest in studies.
Parents should offer their children a rich learning environment at home by participating and showing interest in their academics. 

Of course there are consequences of not being of your child’s education, some of them are...

- Poor academic performance in school

- Poor decision making skills in children

- Lack of confidence

- Low participation in educational and other curricular activities

- Lack of interest in studies

How to get more involved in your child’s education

1. Allow your child get access to lots of educational materials and guide him in using the materials

2. Learn your child's strength and weaknesses as related to education and other activities and help him improve on his weaknesses.

3. Take study sessions regularly and check your child's performance in school.

4. Don’t miss the Parents Teachers meeting.They are extremely important as you get to know what teacher has to say about your child.

5. Keep regular follow-ups with his school and discuss his performance with his teacher.

6. Control the time spent watching TV and playing video games. Control those times and keep a schedule for such entertainment and leisure activities.

7. Teach your child the importance of good conduct in school.

8. Remember, there are two main trainers for your child, yourself and the teacher. The teacher spends only a limited time with your child while you spend more time with him. This shows that education begins at home. 

So, the ball is in your court. Shape your child’s future now.

7 Things Your Wife Needs from You


Men believe the only thing women want is money. Yes, money makes the world go round but there are things money can not buy.
Highlighted below are some of those things women need from their husbands but wouldn't ask.

Respect
  • Your wife needs and deserves your respect. Try to hear her out respectfully during argument. She wants you to listen to her ideas and give her better suggestions. "Respect allows you to accept another person's point of view whole-heartedly."

    Intimacy 

  • Men typically think of intimacy in terms of sex. Women generally view intimacy as an emotional closeness. The good news is, when you work to improve her idea of intimacy, your idea of intimacy will improve as well. It's a win-win.
  • Attention

    Women's strength lies in multitasking while men are often good at focusing on one thing at a time. Please correct me if I'm wrong. These qualities complement each other. To make this difference work for your marriage, take time to pay attention when she is talking to you. First, look up from what you are doing, and second, listen. Really listen. Not just agreeing to everything she says just to please her. Don't just pretend and nod your head. Focus your attention on her and what she is saying. There will likely be a pop quiz on the information later.
    • Shared vision

      I often hear people say opposite attract, but the truth is that common goals keep a relationship strong. Setting and achieving goals keeps both partners engaged in the marriage and helps to see past the immediate obstacles that will inevitably come your way. When you both work on a common goal, it's achieved faster than when it's being pursued by one party. 
      • Spiritual leadership in your home

        Whether religious or agnostic, women are, by nature, more in tune with spiritual matters. This means you have to work at keeping up. If your wife attends a worship service, go with her without complaining. Initiate the invitation to pray together at home. Your kids will learn the act of worship early in life if you build a spiritual home. 
      • A good laugh every day

        Laughing releases endorphins. We love people who make us smile. That is why we pay comedians just to make us laugh. Express your affection in silly ways. Be playful in your relationship and have fun together. Your wife needs to remember something about you even when you are not physically there and laugh out loud. 
        So, pay attention to details and your marriage will be better for it.

7 Signs You are Dating the Wrong Person

It’s challenging when you’re dating someone  — and wondering if he is the right one. To answer that question, it’s tempting to focus on him, frantically monitoring his every word and behavior looking for signs that might predict future happiness or misery to come.
But here’s the truth you need to know … the only real and accurate barometer of whether this man and this relationship are right for you — is you. Your gut instincts, your feelings — they won’t let you down. They’re already communicating with you and it’s okay to listen.
Here are seven signs your gut instinct is already telling you the truth about Mr. Wonderful … even if it isn’t what you want to hear.
1. You constantly feel frustrated and confused by your man’s actions.
He says all the right things (a.k.a. the things you want to hear) but his actions don’t align. You’re left feeling baffled and frustrated and neither feeling is going away.
Reality check: When it comes to communication and trust, there is no better predictor of his future behavior than his behavior now.
When words and actions don’t line up, it’s so tempting to focus on the pretty words. But the truth is always found in his action. Actions seldom lie and they speak loud and clear.
2. You make excuses for him all the time.
No matter what he does or doesn’t do (whether it’s standing you up at the last minute or forgetting your birthday), you make excuses for him to anyone and everyone (including yourself) even though you know that behavior isn’t alright.
Instead of trying to resist what’s actually happening, try bravely listening to your fears and concerns. What truths are you avoiding when you shine over his behavior with excuses?
3. Your feelings of self-doubt and insecurity keep growing.
A healthy relationship promotes inner calm and confidence, making you feel wanted and comfortable.
Of course, no relationship rids us of all our concerns or insecurities, but a healthy relationship should never add to them either. If something doesn’t feel right with this guy or being around him makes you doubt yourself, he’s probably not right for you — gnawing anxiety seldom lies.
4. You start believing it’s you.
If you find yourself endlessly wondering what you can do or be that will make you more appealing to him, something is off. If when he pulls away, you only wonder what you did to cause it, you’re taking on an unhealthy amount of responsibility for your shared relationship.
He might even tell you how his behavior was your fault, or list the ways you aren’t good enough for him (words lie), and yet he is with you (behavior doesn’t).
If you weren’t good enough for him, he wouldn’t be dating you. Instead of falling for this bait and switch — which is typically called projection in psychology — start asking yourself if he is good enough for you. And be honest with yourself.
5. You feel lonely and invisible when you’re with him.
Of course it’s lonely when he avoids you, but if you also feel lonely when you two are together, this may mean he’s incapable of letting you in. And, no, this isn’t because you’re just “too needy.” Loneliness is often more about the company we keep, than whether we’re truly alone.
6. You refuse to see his limitations as permanent.
As you start to understand what he brings to the table, it’s tempting to focus on how (maybe) he can change the not-so-great parts of himself. And believe me, people can change!
But an ability to change does not predict whether he will. You must look at who he is fundamentally NOW (not his potential future self) and decide if you want him as he is. If he never changes a thing, can you accept him, warts and all?
7. You are afraid of being single.
This is the kicker. Even if you see the limitations of this relationship, you’re at least in one, and it’s tempting to think an iffy relationship is better than nothing.
Thanks to our “negativity bias,” we are typically primed to over inflate our fears, and focus more on the things that scare us rather than the things that make us happy.
When you think about being single, your “negativity bias” likely kicks in, scaring you into believing you can’t handle being alone (making you hold on to this man even when you know he isn’t a right fit).
But here’s the thing: You’re already alone if you’re in a relationship that makes you feel lonely, frustrated, or insecure. Being single is better than being in a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself. So remember, your feelings are your most trusted resource if you have the courage to listen.

Secrets Women Never Tell their Men


Women are known to be very open and extremely talkative creatures compared to men, but you will be surprised that its not only men that have secrets, women also have things to hide.



There is a mystery in every woman for a man to clear up but unfortunately, only a few of them succeed in achieving this. Although its not too difficult to understand a woman, but some men find it extremely complicated to know their women.

So, here are some secrets women have but will never tell their men

1. Women want their men to be Smart and take Initiative. 

Women always want their men to be in charge, though they sometimes don't mention it to them. Men should carry out some difficult tasks around the house to surprise their women. When they do this, their women believe they are involved in the affairs of the house. It also shows that they are caring. Try and do it once in a while especially when they least expected it.

2. Women love Surprises. 

Little things make women happy. Something as little as 2 balls of Poff Poff can make a woman feel special and loved. Although we never mention this to our men, but it is something we love. Its not as difficult as it looks, a little effort will make your woman happy and your relationship will be better for it.

3. Women are afraid that another woman attracts their men more

This is a hidden fear amongst women. Every woman has it somewhere in her heart that her husband may be attracted to someone else somewhere. It could be a colleague at work, a neighbor, a church member or a female friend. Women are afraid that their husband's heart may be stolen by some strange woman somewhere. Its a big fear but they will never mention it.

4. Women want their men to be sincere

Nobody likes being fooled, and of course women is no exception. Women can forgive a lot of things but not lies. Irrespective of the situation or how bad the man's fault is, a woman will always hear him out and even help him solve the problem. But they hate it when their men refuse to be open to them.

So men, keep your nose to the ground to smell your women's fears which they will never tell you.

See you next time...

How to End the Conflict Between Wives and Mothers-in-Law


The issue of mother-in-law is one which many wives wish does not exist in marriages. This is because it is the bane of many problems in most marriages. 
Many daughters-in-law dislike their mothers-in-law and very few of them have good things to say about their mothers-in-law.
This is why some spinsters wish they marry a man without a mother. The truth here is, most women see their mothers-in-law as overbearing, busybodies and their greatest rival. 
The question now is, "are mothers in laws really bad? Finding have shown that there is usually an unending raging conflict between mothers-in-laws and their daughters-in-law. Note that there are two parties to the conflict; the wife and the husband on one hand, and the Husband and his family on the other hand.
The Wife and Her Husband
Many wives especially in Africa come into marriage fully prepared for battle based on the pre-conceived notions that mothers-in-laws are evil and must be put to their right places. Hence, they have formed an opinion of their in-laws and have concluded that in-laws are antagonists. 
A wife will  believe that once her husband marries her, he must abandon his family and cleave unto her, then back it up with a Bible verse which says “A man will leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife”. By their faulty interpretation of the scripture, they seem to forget that the same scripture commands that a man must honor his parents. He must to relate with them and provide for them. However, the relationship with them should not allow unnecessary interfere with marital affairs. 
The Husband and His Family
Unfortunately, relations especially in Africa interfere unnecessarily in marital affairs. No parent or relation has the right to meddle in the marital affair of their son or else the son grants them power to do so, but unfortunately, such powers when given are abused. A man who allows undue interference in his marriage is consciously or unconsciously setting the stage for a conflict especially where his wife detests such interference. 
Mothers-in-law fail to realize that once their sons get married, they take the back seat while the wives take the front seat in their son’s life. A mother-in-law wants to be loved and accepted by her son even after he gets married. She want to remain relevant in his life and be treated as a priority. Some mothers-in-law who have had rough and difficult marriages will probably fight hard to protect their sons. 

HOW TO TACKLE THE CONFLICT
It is important to know that the relationship with one’s in-law is a sensitive one that requires humility and wisdom to handle. It is also important to know that marital relationship is a strong one that needs a lot of patience and understanding. 

THE HUSBAND
It is the husband’s role to ensure that he plays his part effectively to mange the two women in his life without hurting either of them. He has the duty to protect his wife and also take care of his mother. He is the middle man between these two women and therefore needs a lot of wisdom to strike a balance between them. 
THE WIFE 

A wife must learn to tolerate, accommodate and love her in-laws. She must be humble, friendly and show some respect to her in-laws.It is duty of the wife to maintain cordial relationship with her in-laws to give peace to chance in her marriage. Maybe we don’t know, a man will love and respect his wife more if she respects his mother and shows it with humility. A wife's character must portray a good home training which will be a plus to her parents. She should see her in-laws as her own family and her life will be better for it. Yoruba adage says, its easy to have a bad husband than to have bad in-laws. They will fight for you if they love you, and they will ensure you enjoy your marriage.
THE MOTHER-IN-LAW
The Mother-in-Law must understand that once his son gets married, she is no longer his son's priority. She must understand her position and respect herself. There is no doubt that she is her son's first love, but she stops being the first lady the moment she hands him over to another woman. Respect they say is reciprocal.She must respect herself to command respect from her daughter-in-law.
 She should realize that whatever she does to someone else's daughter will be done, even worse to her own daughter someday, somewhere.
Finally, the couple must ensure they carefully protect their marriage against external attacks. They must learn to love and trust each other and close all gaps to avoid interference from a third party.

Tips to make Your Child Go to Bed Early

Kids love watching their favorite programs before going to bed. Most of them don't want to sleep early, they sleep only when they have finished watching their cartoons. You will shout and shout and you end up raising your own blood pressure trying to force them to bed. 
It's really hard to give advice on how to make kids go to bed early, but each and every parent would need to put more efforts to make this happen. Problem related to kids sleeping habits differ from child to child.
Here are few reasons why a kid may not be able to sleep early
  • Sleeping Disorders such as Insomnia, Parasomnia, Disturbed Sleep and Narcolepsy
  • Afternoon Sleep
  •  Late TV Watching
  • lll Health
  • Noisy Surroundings
  • Over Exhaustion
  •  Scary Nightmares
These are Tips to Make the Kids go to Bed Early
  • Put off the TV at a scheduled time every day. If the kids shouldn't watch the TV, then the same rule should be for the parents. (at least until the kids go to sleep)
  • Put the kid to bed at a fixed time every day. This time should not be changed no matter what.
  • Try to establish a Daily Bed Time Routine. 
  • Give him a glass of hot milk, as it is said to calm down the nerves and helps kid to sleep.
  • Avoid any kind of caffeinated drinks like cold drinks, coffee etc in the night or late evenings.
  • Over-exhaustion can affect your child's sleep. When the child complains of pain in his legs or back, don't ignore it. 
  • Try a lukewarm oil massage. A good lukewarm oil massage induces sleep in children.
  • If your kid is ill, especially with fever, cough and cold, there is no way he will be able to sleep. Such medical conditions disturb children's sleep and parents should understand. 
  • Reduce the noise around the house. A noisy environment can make it difficult to sleep even to adults. Hence see that the kid's sleep is not affected with such noises. Children sleep better in quiet and comfortable surroundings.
  • A change of place affects kid's sleep. Make sure that children sleep in their own bedroom and don't keep changing their sleeping area every now and then. 
          Hope you found these tips helpful.

Things You Should Start Doing for Your Wife

  • Shebi you agreed to love her in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer? 
    Oya follow these 6 things and make sure you do them regularly to make her happy.
  • 1. Serve her breakfast in bed

  • You must show her how much you care for her, and it mustn’t just be a word of mouth.  Make sure you wake up before, prepare breakfast for her, then take it to her in bed. Yes? And so? Is it too much to do? Abegi…
  • 2. Send her a text while away

    • This could be the simplest one you could do. It doesn't have to be anything fancy; just a text to let her know she is beautiful, or to have a good day. I bet she will read it more than 10 times before you return. Its so little but it does matter. Little things matter remember. 
      3. Make the bed

  • You see one thing I hate that men do, is getting up from bed and leaving it for the woman to make all the time. Whats wrong in doing it once in a while? I am not saying the woman should draw up a roaster for bed making, but there is something about it that brings a smile to the woman’s face. Its unusual but it matters.
  • 4. Brush your teeth before going to bed

    Freshness is a key to happiness. After eating everything from morning till evening, you just jump on the bed to sleep beside her with that your “not so inviting” breathe? Common, fresh breathe makes things happen, and it leads to something else you know what I’m saying. Just do her that favour. Thank you. 
  • 5. Compliment her

  • The first person a woman sees before stepping out is her husband, and whatever you tell her remains in her head till she returns home. Let her know her dress is beautiful and her make up suits her. Remind her that her beauty has not faded and that you love her smiles. Then correct her appearance if she doesn’t appear well before she leaves the house. Don’t let people ask if her husband wasn’t at home when she left. You must remain her mirror.
  • 6. Discuss your day with her 

  • Try and discuss what happened at work with your wife, whether good or bad. Ensure she knows all your colleagues, if not all, those who report to the same boss with you or those who report to you. Also listen to what happened at her office too. This builds a strong connection between you too. She becomes eager to run home to report her boss or her colleague to you, even though  you can not punish them for whatever they did to her. She just needs you to tell her all will be well. That's all.
    Memorise this list, add to it if you wish and always remember these words:  “Little things do matter."

Health Benefits of Fruits


Fruits are low in calories and fat, and they are  also a good  source of simple sugar, fiber, and vitamins, which are essential for optimizing our health.

They provide plenty of soluble dietary fiber, which helps to ward off cholesterol and fats from the body and to get relief from constipation as well.


Fruits contain many anti-oxidants like poly-phenolic flavonoids, vitamin-C, and anthocyanins. These compounds protect human body from oxidant stress, diseases, and cancer, and also help the body develop capacity to fight diseases.


Fruits overall benefits are infinite! If you consume fruits regularly, you are protecting yourself from minor ailments like wrinkling of skin, hair-fall, and memory loss to major ailments like age-related macular degeneration (AMRD) of the retina in the eyes, Alzheimer’s disease, colon cancers, weak bones (osteoporosis)…etc., and the list of fruit nutrition benefits never ends!


So what are you waiting for? Add some fruits to your shopping list today and experience the numerous benefits mentioned above.

Why Should I Forgive My Husband?


Foluke met Justin in her 200 level at the University. They were so fond of each other that they were virtually inseparable. Their love grew so much that people call them husband and wife. But unfortunately, they were temporarily separated during NYSC. Foluke was posted to Calabar while Justin to Taraba. They kept the flame of love burning and never allowed distance to be a barrier. 


They both returned to Lagos after their Youth Service and got married eventually, but couldn't have children even after 3 years of marriage. Friends and families prayed for them but no luck. They kept hoping and believing that God will answer their prayers. The strange thing was that Justin supported   her strongly during this trying time that she made up her mind to love him for the rest of her life. 

One lovely sunday, there was a knock at the door. Foluke rushed to the door only to see a beautiful woman with an innocent looking girl of six. She smiled at the woman and asked who she wanted to see. The woman coldly replied "I'm not here for long story, I came to dump your husband's daughter with him" Foluke was so sure she didn't hear the woman right and she asked again. "who do you say you want to see ma" and she answered by saying " are you deaf? I said I came to dump your husband's daughter with him. I want her to grow with her father" Folu's legs were already shaking and sweat was all over her body, but before she uttered one word again, Justin came in and said " Yes my love, she is right, the little girl in front of you is my daughter" 

The strange woman looked at Justin and said "If you like, take care of her, if you like, throw her in the dustbin" She turned and left the two of them with the girl. Foluke didn't know what to do at this time as she was confused, disappointed, sad, heartbroken and angry. 

Now, what would you do if you were Foluke, would you forgive Justin and take care of the child or leave the house for father and child? What exactly would you do in this situation.

Things You must do to make Your Husband Love You More

I want to believe you were happy reading the 6 things your husband should start doing for you in my last published blog. Don't be deceived, Its not a one sided game, its a two way thing. You must be willing to give in other to receive. I tell you, men reciprocate good gestures and do it even better than women. 

So, to enjoy those things I advised your husband to start doing for you, you must be ready to do these 5 things to get his attention and love.
  • Love his Mom. 
       
Even if he occasionally complains about his mom, it doesn’t give you the license to do so. Show some love to his family, especially his mom and let him see your effort in doing so. This will make him love you more. A man’s first love is his mother and if you try to come between them, you will be pushed aside. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. 
  • Learn to always say “Thank You”
Men test women a lot. They start from little things and then graduate to something bigger. If you tell your husband “thank you” for buying you a small ear-ring, he will buy you a necklace. If you tell him “thank you” for buying you a small car, he will buy you a jeep. But if you ask him why he is buying you a car when his mates are buying their wives a jeep, he will wait to catch you somewhere else. Trust me. What I’m saying here is, women should be appreciative. It touches men’s heart and endears you more to them. keep this a secret please. 
  • Tell him He is fantastic in Bed
This is a topic we shy away from, and yet it is about the most important duty of a wife to her husband. If this doesn’t happen in the first place,there won’t be children. So, what are we talking about? Even if you know he needs to improve, tell him he is awesome. It will only make him work more because he won’t want to disappoint you. 
  • Receive Him Home with a Smile everyday.
If you receive your husband home everyday, you have given him reasons to rush to your arms. But if all you do is wait to make trouble when he arrives, you have given him room to hangout with his friends and of course you know what that can lead to.  Let me give you another secret, the day he comes home and no one receives him, he will miss you. No matter what might have happened at the office, he is sure of a warm welcome at home. Be the complete part of your husband’s life, and he will find it difficult to live without you. 
  • Always prepare His Meals
The economy reality of today has changed a lot of things in the family. Nevertheless, cooking for your husband is amongst your core duties as a wife. Why then do you allow your maid to cook for your husband? If you cook his meals always, he will be familiar with the taste of your food even when he is fed while sleeping. And if you don’t meet up with his expectation in this area, you need to raise your game. Attend cooking classes and practice it more and more to get better at it. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. 
A word is enough for the wise ooo. 
Now that you know what to do to get pampered by your husband, go ahead and do it now. 

How to Adapt to Change in your Relationship



I never paid close attention to the word "change"until recently, when it's being used continuously. It became a household name that even children sing rhyme with the word. 

Now, what really is change? It is doing something differently. It is something that takes us out of our comfort zone. You must be flexible to adapt to change and it eventually makes you a better person. Change happens anytime and anywhere. It happens in the workplace, in governance, in school at home even in a relationship. 
Just imagine something suddenly changes in your relationship, how would you react to such change?

Everyone wants a good relationship —it’s something that makes us happy, healthy, and most productive. But supportive and fulfilling relationships don’t come automatically. They take social skills that can be learnt as well as an investment in time and energy.
1. Recognize that change does happen

When we were children, we thought, acted, and spoke like children. When we became adults, though, we put childish ways behind us and behave like adults. Our own personal lives change as we grow older. Why should we pretend things will always be fine? Denying that change will occur only make things more difficult. Once it happens, it's better to quickly adjust to the new reality and move on. 

2. Be aware of your surroundings

Like I said earlier, change could come when you least expected. Once you notice your environment is not what it used be, observe, listen and be watchful. Then move with the trend. It might not be so easy I admit but it's better you live with the new reality except if it's a violent change. 
3. Recognize the stages
Because reactions to change resemble those to annoucement of unpleasant news. The early stages include shock and denial (refusing to believe what has happened and instead believing everything will be all right), guilt (at not having done or said more or for not being the decedent), and anger (at the decedent or at God).Later, one passes through the stages of acceptance (acknowledging what has happened) and moving on.

All the stages don't necessarily occur. The progression might not be a smooth linear one, and different amounts of time may be involved with the different stages. Regardless, the quicker you get to the acceptance and moving on stages, the better it will be for you
4. Communicate with others
Communications is always important, but especially so when you face change. A lack of communications from others can have a negative impact, while effective communications can have a positive one. From a purely pragmatic standpoint, you need details about the change, so that you can determine how it affects you. Don't just sit back and wait for things to happen. Talk to your partner to get his/her understanding.

Part of the fear of change involves dealing with the unknown. If possible, try to minimize this factor by talking to others who have undergone such a change. The difficulties they experienced and how they dealt with them? How can you adapt their experiences to your own situation? 
Your communications should involve more than just your partner. Communicate with experienced people who can guide you appropriately. They might have experienced the same change, so their advice has value. 
5. Do a self assessment

It is always very important to do a self check at intervals. Where do you need to improve? By understanding your own strengths and weaknesses, and knowing as much as you can about the new situation, you have a better chance of finding a place to fit in.
6. Be Flexible

Change requires flexibility. The better you are able to adapt to change, the greater your chances of being successful. After you complete your self-assessment, take a look at the requirements of the new situation. Maybe your attitude doesn't fit exactly into the relationship anymore or there is something you just need to fix. 

7. See the big picture

Every successful person has a story to tell, just the same way every successful relationship has it's trying times. The most important thing is the goal, the big picture. 

Keep your eyes on the reasons why you are in the relationship no matter the hurdles you have to jump. 

Change can be frightening, and disruptive. However, with the right attitude and actions, you can find opportunities in that change.

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